Sleepwalking
by PrincessAlica
Summary: Scarlett returns to Atlanta after the time at Tara after the miscarriage.
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Note: I haven't disappeared, I've just been busy with school In fact I just got back from my second test of the week, and instead of posting this I really should be studying for my third test of the week. But it had been a while, and this had been lying around in my in progress file, so I thought that I should actually share it. Just a little over a month left of school, and then I should be back to updating more often. _

The air was hot, and even the airing out that the servants had done prior to her return had not removed that faint aroma that testified to the fact that this room had until recently been a sick room while she recovered from the accident. The air was stale and hot and even opening a window would do little to dispel that, for the air outside was no cooler. She sagged against the bed, her head throbbing and her sides still tender. Would anything ever be right again?

She had been able to pretend that she was better for a brief time, pretend that her heart wasn't still aching, but that was not the case. No, her heart would forever feel this way. While at Tara there had been many hours that she had spent sitting in a rocking chair thinking of what her mother had endured. Had mother's heart hurt like this when the baby boys had died?

And yet there was no child. There never would be a child. She could see it in Rhett's eyes, that Bonnie was all that he needed. He didn't need her and that left her feeling hollow inside,. And there was no way that another child would be conceived. Her child was gone just as surely as the way of life from before the war was gone -- just as life from before she had kicked Rhett from her bed was gone. And she knew they she needed to push that pain aside, but it clung to her. She could not shake these feelings of grief; these feelings were ever present. And she desperately wanted for Rhett to tell her that he was sorry, that he grieved for this child -- their child. But he was now little more than a cordial and polite stranger. And an apology -- any shared moments of grief or compassion -- were obviously more than he was willing to offer her. He wanted nothing to do with her. Perhaps he still believed that the baby had not been his. The thought caused the bile to rise in her throat. He didn't care that their child was gone.

She had been a fool. She never should have reacted to his taunts. She should have remained impassive and aloof as he had -- as he always did. But no, instead she had reacted as she always did, and now she was paying dearly for it. She knew that she had come so very close to paying for that outburst with her life. Perhaps she had been just as much a fool to allow Rhett to manipulate her into selling the mills to Ashley. He would run them into the ground in no time. But as she felt now, though she would admit it to no one else, she knew that she was too exhausted to be able to run all of her business with any efficiency or success. She would have managed -- somehow, but she would not have done so without great cost to herself. And there was enough money now, so that she did not need to push herself like she had done before -- during the dark times after the war when every day was a battle for survival. And even her body was rebelling against her, holding her back, and she was powerless to fight against her own body.

Now that she had returned home, she felt as isolated as she had at Tara, and no amount of acting could hide the truth. At Tara for the first time, she could not quite find her footing. It was as if home was no longer home. It was as though the world would never be right again. And yet everyone, even Suellen treated her cordially. And yet, none of the children would come near her. None of the children at Tara, and returning home had not changed that. She knew that Wade and Ella were terrified that she would be hurt and of her grim coolness, and Bonnie, heaven only knew the baby's reasoning. But it was obvious that the child only cared for her father and wanted nothing to do with her mother.

She closed her eyes and leaned weakly against the pillows. The boning in the corset was digging into her side painfully, so intense was the pain that tears pricked at her eyes. And then the tears slowly began seeping out, and she made no move to brush them away for there would be no one to see them. The effort seemed too great for the meager strength that she possessed. It didn't matter, the pain was a constant. The constant aching in her side never abated, and so she bore the pain, for there was nothing else that she could possibly do.

She was startled then when she felt a hand on her shoulder. "Scarlett, wake up." Rhett said.

She blinked, trying to focus on her surroundings. "I… I must have fallen asleep." She said while rubbing her eyes, hoping that it would help disguise the tear tracks. "What are you doing in here?" She asked as the haziness began to clear from her mind.

"I knocked several times, and when you didn't answer I grew concerned." He responded cordially. "I apologize for intruding, but dinner is ready and waiting. Bonnie was expecting you to eat with us tonight."

It took his offered hand to help her rise from the bed, wincing as her still tender ribs protested from the movement. She could feel his eyes on her, but she said nothing and neither did he. "Send Prissy up to help me change." She told him, turning away so he could not see the emotions flickering in her eyes.

"You don't need to change for dinner. You look fine. There is no one here but the children," He told her blandly. "Just come along, dinner will be cold if you don't hurry."

She was too tired to protest, and besides protesting any of his decrees never gained her anything. She followed him slowly, wearily trudging behind him. But she stopped at the top of the stairs as memories assaulted her. He turned back and watched her again, and for a moment she thought that she could see a flicker of something akin to regret flash across his eyes before he shuttered them again to hide his emotions. "Do you need some help?" He asked, asking only what a polite passerby might ask. But they were not strangers, they were husband and wife.

"No, I'm fine. I'm merely appreciating the view." She replied brittlely, her voice rising with the lie. And yet she remained rooted the spot just as surely as if she were clinging to the banister. She stood erect, trying to appear as if the stairs did not bother her and yet they did, they terrified her. She was afraid that she would only cause herself more pain if she went down those stairs. Those stairs had now taken a frightening role in her nightmares, and even in the daylight, it was impossible to not be affected. And then the thought briefly flickered across her mind that perhaps all of the agony would end if she had another accident. She had never been a quitter-- never thought that she would consider death a welcome end, but the pain was constant, both physical and mental. No! Her mother's teachings remained, and she knew that that brief thought was a mortal sin. She could never take her own life, if for no other reason than she was terrified of going to Hell.

She wished that he would contradict her, tell her that she wasn't fine. But he did nothing other than take her by the hand and lead her down the stairs. Didn't he notice how clammy her palms were or the rapid terrified rhythm of her pulse? She walked with her head held high. Damn him, for his arrogance. In her pain, she wanted him to hurt too. Did he not bleed?

But finally the descent was over, and she was walking into the dining room, where the children were patiently waiting... well Wade and Ella were patiently waiting, while Bonnie squealed and made a ruckus.

Bonnie seemed happy to see her, and Wade and Ella were behaving perfectly as they generally did in her presence. Bonnie chattered happily, although most of the words were unrecognizable to Scarlett. But she pretended to listen for no one else seemed to register her presence at all.

No one noticed that her food was largely untouched, even though the foods served were some of her favorites. The pain robbed her of any desire to eat. She was constantly feeling nauseous, and the thought of food only made the problem worse. She felt like a child, pushing the food around on her plate, praying that no one would notice how little food she had managed to choke down.

The meal was quickly over, and Mammy had taken the children up to the nursery leaving Rhett and Scarlett alone. Scarlett was staring at her plate, idly playing with her unfinished dessert in silence.

"Was the food not to your liking?" Rhett's voice pierced her thoughts, and she jerked up her head to look at him. Apparently he had noticed more than she had given him credit for, but that was his way, at times he was annoyingly observant.

"It was fine." She responded unemotionally, and then resumed playing with the food on her plate. She wanted him to care, desperately aching for him to do something, anything, but he did not. She wished that he would hurl insults at her that he would express some emotion, but instead he was merely polite. He rose from the table and excused himself leaving her there alone. It was an empty hollow feeling that surrounded her. It was almost as if she was screaming for someone to help, but no one could hear her, and she could do nothing to change it. She was powerless and nearly invisible.

Finally she rose from the table and made her way to the stairs. She stood before them, gazing dejectedly as if they were Stone Mountain. She had once thought the sweeping stairs grand and majestic, but now they were merely an obstacle before her that was nearly too great for her to handle.

"Do you need some help?" Again Rhett was there, politely offering her his hand.

"No. Thank you. I can do this myself." She replied, refusing to touch him. She wanted more than he was offering, wanted much more. But after only a few steps, not even having made it to the first landing, her breathing was labored and she held on to the railing. Upon reaching the landing she stood quietly waiting for her breathing to slow down.

"Let me help you." He offered again, appearing at her side as if out of thin air.

Her tender ribs were aching so fiercely that it brought tears to her eyes. "I don't want to fight with you." She returned.

"Don't be a fool." For a moment it was as if he cared about her, and inwardly she rejoiced, but she soon decided that she must have imagined it. "Allow me to escort you to your room. It appears that you are not as well as you would like people to think. That was quite the act that you put on at the station, but I realize that is what it was, an act."

He laid his hand on her shoulder, and she jerked away from him. Her reaction only brought her more pain, for now the ache was replaced with a stabbing pain, and tears began to stream down her pale face. "I don't need your help." She replied through the tears.

"Like Hell you don't, you little fool." And there it was again, that spark of passion and emotion that had been so visibly absent. He reached down and carefully cradled her in his arms as if she weighed no more than Bonnie. She knew that she still was underweight from her illness, at least 15 pounds lighter than the last time that they had journeyed these stairs. But she refused to think about that night for it led only to more memories that made her heart ache. "I will do my best to jostle you as little as possible."

She could feel his eyes on her, but she remained silent, her lips pinched together tightly to keep from crying out. "You needn't be a martyr. You were seriously injured. No one will say anything if you do cry out."

She looked up at him, and saw the briefest glimpse of pain in his face. And then her tears began in earnest. It was as if the fact that he had actually felt something was enough to give her permission to open the flood gates. She clung to his shirt, sobbing brokenly as he opened the door to her bedroom. And then he sat on the bed with her until her tears had abated. She withdrew from his embrace and then took the offered handkerchief. And then he was gone, staying only as long as she was holding on to him, and as soon as he was released, he ran like the coward that he was.

Prissy arrived soon after, "Mistah Rhett, done told me to come an' help you get outta di heah dress." Scarlett nodded meekly and used all of her remaining strength to stand so that Prissy would do the work required to release her from her cage.

"Send Mammy to me," Scarlett commanded imperiously as she climbed into her bed, But by the time that Prissy left the room, Scarlett's eyes had fallen shut. Mammy wakened her only long enough to give her a small dose of laudanum to ease the pain, and she fell back into an exhausted slumber.


	2. Chapter 2

**_Author's Note: so here is the second chapter. Hope you all enjoy it. Thank you for all of the reviews! There is more, but I will post it as it comes. I tried to write this from Scarlett's pov, but this was meant to be Rhett's chapter. He had something to say so I let him._**

**_Alica_**

* * *

He was lying in bed, staring at the door that separated their rooms, when he heard her cry out. He could hear the terror in her voice, but he was powerless. He could not bridge the gap between them, and there seemed no point in even trying. The death of their child was too great a burden on his soul. Of course she hadn't cared. But that couldn't explain that fear and hurt that was so openly shared in her green eyes. But he needed to believe that she couldn't have cared. It was his child. She did not want his child, nor could she want to go through the pain of bearing another child. She had hated the way that none of her clothes fit any longer, or even though she had refused to admit it, she hated the way that everything wore her out. She hated being secluded in the house until after the baby came. Perhaps she hated that more than anything else. And yet the burden of the baby's death was on his head. Sleep was all too illusive, even more so than usual knowing that she was home and only a wall separating them.

As the day had wore on the dark circles under her eyes appeared more and more evident. She face grew pale and pinched. He could read the pain in her eyes, although he couldn't distinguish between the emotional and physical pain. And the moment when she had walked in the house, after she had delayed the inevitable by sitting on the porch for over an hour, he had watched her expression as she stared at the stairs. He detected the slight tremble in her hand, although she tried so to hide it. He watched her as she climbed the stairs alone. He couldn't help but be reminded of carrying her up those same stairs not very long before. And she looked so small, so impossibly thin, even thinner than she had been when she had visited him in the jail. He wanted more than anything to bridge the divide between them, but he couldn't seem to find a way, and his pride was so great that he could not say anything. He had been quite worried when she hadn't appeared for dinner, although the children were simply glad to be home and be with each other once again. Even in sleep she did not look peaceful, she looked tormented even as she slept. The fear in her eyes when he had awakened had nearly been his undoing and the way that she had tried to be strong staring down from the top of the stairs. Hell, who that had lived through what she had gone through wouldn't be terrified of them.

He could see it as she played with her food at the dinner table. This was not the Scarlett O'Hara that he knew. He had never before seen her pass on a meal, let alone when the meal was comprised of her very favorite foods. He knew that she never would have guessed that it was he himself planned it all. She thought that she was fooling everyone, and perhaps at Tara she had. She could be quite the actress when she wanted to be. But he knew her better than that. He knew that she was still much too thin, and she was in pain. He couldn't stand to watch her playing with her food, unable to eat. Perhaps it was his presence…. So he finally had left her alone, perhaps without anyone watching she might eat a little more.

But he knew that she hadn't. And when she appeared at the base of the stairs, her eyes haunted by the memories, he wanted to help her. He wanted to protect her from life, but she was so damned stubborn. She always had been, if she wasn't she would have let go of that fool Wilkes and learned to love him. But he had watched her as she climbed the stairs, winded by the fourth tread, trembling before the first landing. And he had felt a guilt burning in his chest like a blaze a thousand times hotter than the sun. Finally he had taken her in his arms, carrying her to her room because he couldn't bear to watch her in pain and not do anything any longer. He had had to leave her after she let go of him, because he found himself sitting on their bed holding her, and he was thinking of having her again, and he knew that she was too weak, and he would not do that to her. And she was still in there, still tempting him by her very presence. How could he go to her when he wanted her so badly?

And he stared at the door that led to her room, listening to her cry when Bonnie's small voice broke through his internal dialogue. "Daddy, Momma's crying. Momma's sad and scared."

Rhett took one look at the sleepy eyed darling beside him and rose from his bed. "All right, I'll go check on your momma."

"Scary dreams, daddy. They make me cry, too." Bonnie replied as she snuggled back into her pillow, with a doll that had been a gift from Scarlett nestled in the crook of her arm.

"Are you sure that you want me to leave you in here?" He questioned.

She gave him a look that was purely Scarlett, no one else had mastered that look of pure exasperation and annoyance at him. "Momma's crying. Momma needs daddy."

It amused him to see Bonnie, looking as a miniature of her mother. And with the exception of the color of their eyes, Bonnie was a smaller version of Scarlett. He couldn't tell her no. "All right. I am going to let your mother know that she is all right. I'll be back in a bit."

"Night, daddy." Bonnie smiled at him sleepily as he opened the door that adjoined to the master bedroom. He frowned as he entered the room, standing quietly near the door as his eyes adjusted to the darkness of Scarlett's room. She was sobbing still, occasionally murmuring something that he didn't quite understand. Once his eyes grew more accustomed to the dimness of the room, he crept closer and could finally make out what she was crying. "My baby, my baby. I want my baby." And yet despite the sobs and cries, he didn't think that she was awake yet. She was still dreaming, still lost in a terrified slumber.

The bed dipped with his added weight as he sat on the edge beside her, the satiny material sliding beneath him as he reached over and gently shook her. "Shhh… Scarlett. Wake up."

She cried out once again for her baby, before coming to attention, lying motionless and silent now in the heavy darkness of her massive bedroom. He knew that she knew that he was there, and it was as if she was frozen and unsure of what she should do, knowing that he had caught her crying out for her lost child. Or perhaps she didn't know, perhaps she didn't remember. She never was too emotionally astute when she was awake. Perhaps only in her dreams did she really know what was in her heart.

The silence between them was thick and heavy, as the only sound in the dimness was her breathing, which was slowly returning to normal after the exertion of the nightmare. Finally, she spoke, "I'm sorry that I disturbed you. You didn't have to come in." He could hear the tremors in her voice that belied the weakness and anguish that she tried to cover up.

"I don't mind." He replied evenly, his cool indifference masking any other emotions that threatened to rear their head. It was harder than normal, for even in the darkness he could see the frailness of her body. She wanted him to believe otherwise, but she was not whole in body or in spirit. Surely the loss of a child she hadn't wanted couldn't have done this to her. And yet a nagging voice in his head said that she was lying, wasn't it obvious from the way she had just been crying. She had wanted this child.

The inner battle continued even as she dismissed him, "You can go back to bed. You don't have stay here and watch me." And yet, she was still trembling. The thought that she had only wanted the baby because the child was not his echoed through his head, and yet his traitorous heart screamed all the louder that she would never have cheated on him. She would never have gone that far, even though she had been unfaithful in her heart, he couldn't imagine that she had truly been unfaithful with her body. He knew that she hadn't cheated with Ashley, despite his protests to the contrary. Even after three husbands she was still such a little prude. And Ashley was not man enough to be physically unfaithful to Melanie. Hell, if he really thought about it, Ashley was in a similar situation to him. They were both in sexless marriages, although not for the same reasons. That bastard Wilkes could not risk having relations with his wife, for the fear that a pregnancy would kill her. He might feel sorry for the man, if the man in question were not the reason that Scarlett had exiled him from their bed. No, he knew that the inglorious Ashley Wilkes was the cause for his ejection from his wife's bed, although he still had to wonder what exactly he had said to invite Scarlett to give up the comfort that he knew that she took from his presence. Before that time, even though she was shy about having sex, he knew that she enjoyed herself. They had been more than just husband and wife. They had been friends and confidants. Ashley had stolen much more than the sex from him, he had also taken that friendship. And that friendship meant so much more than anything else.

She was still trembling, as much as he wanted to flee, how could he leave her like this? How could anyone resist her when she was so weak and frightened and obviously in need of comfort. Even her words trying to send him away sounded hollow and empty. "I realize that I don't have to stay and watch you. But do you want me to sit with you for a little while until you go back to sleep?"

"You don't have to stay." She replied with the barest hint of sob still in her voice.

"You didn't answer my question. Would you like for me to stay?" He replied evenly. She looked so much like a little girl, like his little girl, crying in the night that he could not leave her here alone. So he didn't wait for her to respond. She was as stubborn as he was, possibly even more so. She wasn't lying, she was only choosing not to answer. He moved along the bed until his back was against the headboard and he took her hand and held it, making slow circles on her smooth skin. "Go to sleep."

"No!" she cried out, then quickly her hand went to her mouth, as if she had never meant for those words to escape.

"What is the matter, Scarlett? You are as terrified to go to sleep as you were the night Atlanta fell. I'm surprised that you haven't been on a greater crying jag then you were after Frank's death." He tried goading her to bring some fire back to her, but to no avail. There was silence between them until she whispered something so softly that he wouldn't make the words out.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you." He told her gently.

Again she whispered, but he bent his head so that the dark veil of her hair was brushing his face so that he could hear her. "My baby. I want my baby."

"Bonnie is only in the other room. You can see her in the morning." He replied, sensing that Bonnie was not the baby she was referring to.

"No!" She sobbed. "You don't understand. You don't care. I want my little baby, but my baby is gone!" She was shaking with what he assumed was rage and grief. He knew that there was no point in answering, that nothing that he said would change the situation. He simply pulled her against his body in the darkness and held her as she cried brokenly. And he had to wonder if things had changed between them forever.


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note: Here is chapter three. I think it answers the questions that some of you had, but you will just have to see. Thank you for reading and reviewing!

* * *

When the morning dawned, she was ashamed and embarrassed by the way she had acted the previous night, under the mask of darkness. How could she have been so great a fool that she would say such things to Rhett? He had already had so much power over her, and now he had more. She had given him that power. She couldn't help but feel sick at the thought of facing him. What would he say?

Then it dawned on her that he should still be here beside her in the bed that they had once shared, and yet he wasn't . Not that it should be much of a surprise, since he was habitually an early riser. And also it annoyed her because it was not the first time that he had left like a thief in the night. But thankfully it postponed the inevitable confrontation that always happened between them. But it was going to happen; she had no doubt.

She was still exhausted -- completely spent, and yet she knew that she shouldn't be. She was still recovering from the accident, and it galled her that she was not as well as she would like to think, or that she would like for others to think. She had gone to bed right after supper, and she was used to much longer days, or at least she had been before the accident. But now she had to will herself merely to get out of bed. It would do no good to allow herself to linger in bed and let people think that she was still ailing. She didn't want anyone's pity, least of all Rhett's. And besides, she could possibly spend some time with Bonnie before she went to the store. She would never admit it aloud, but she was thankful not to be worrying about going to the mills. She didn't think that she would be able to handle them for some time. If she were more vain, she would think that Rhett might have done it for her benefit, but no nothing that he did was for her.

She rang for one of the maids to come and help her dress. While she waited she peered in the mirror over her vanity and was horrified at the image staring back at her. She had tried to avoid the mirror during her convalescence, because it revealed the ugly reality that she couldn't bear to face. Her cheeks were still sunken and pale without any trace of a blush, and her face was thin and pinched as it had been after the war. And over all of these flaws, there were dry crusted salt trails from the tears that she had spilled in the night. Her eyelashes were gummed and matted so severely that she took a damp cloth to them to break up the crust. She reached for the pitcher and splashed her face with water before digging furiously for the pot of rouge that she had hidden in the bottom of the top drawer. She smeared a small amount and began to try and bring color to her face, but she only succeeded in making herself look more ill. The bright color stood out in garish splotches that didn't look decent even in the dim light of the bedroom. She didn't need for Rhett to mock her, she wasn't prepared for it yet.

There was a soft knock at the door and then Prissy entered. "Miss Scarlett. I'se here to help you get dressed."

Scarlett rose from the vanity bench and moved towards the bed. "I want to wear the green dress with the sprigs of violets on it." She instructed, knowing that the dress was slightly fuller cut. She couldn't stand the pain from the corset being any tighter than absolutely necessary. She slowly began dressing herself while Prissy prepared the dress. Finally after adding several layers of undergarments it was time for the corset to be laced. "Here Prissy, now be careful, that dress doesn't need the laces too tightly pulled or the dress won't hang right."

Prissy looked nervous as she fastened the clasps before she began pulling on the laces. "Now, Miss Scarlett, do ya want me ta go fetch Mammy to do this?" Which Scarlett quickly responded to with a sound no. "Do you want to hold on to the bed then while I work?"

Scarlett wrapped her arms around the post, and Prissy began pulling on the strings in earnest. The pain was so sharp that she bit her lip so hard to keep from crying out that she drew blood. "Damn you, Prissy. I told you that you had to be careful." Scarlett continued holding on to the bed post long after the laces were tied trying to maintain her balance. But she refused to stop, and Prissy lifted the dress over her head and carefully tugged it into place.

"Do you want me ta do your hair?" Prissy questioned, looking at Scarlett anxiously.

She nodded wearily. "Just a simple knot at the base of the neck. Do you think that you can manage that?" She asked chidingly.

"Yes, miss." Prissy answered, quickly coming behind Scarlett and began brushing her dark hair. She ran the brush through it until it shone and then carefully twisted it into place and adding pins as needed to hold it. When she was finished she walked around, "Is that all right?"

"Yes, that's fine, Prissy. You may go." Scarlett said dismissively. Once Prissy was out of the room, Scarlett bent her head and began rubbing her temples where a dull headache was forming. She shut her eyes and tried to compose herself. "I'll be fine." She told herself. She worked some on her rouge, trying to blend it so that it might seem like she wasn't wearing any. It did no good.

She slowly rose and headed towards the bedroom door. She didn't particularly want to face Rhett at the moment, and so she cautiously peeked out into the corridor and was relieved to find it empty. Instead of facing the grand staircase, the mere thought of which sent her stomach spinning in violent circles. Instead she chose to carefully make her way to the smaller staircase that the servants used, so not to be seen by guests or the residents of the house. At least with it, the chances of Rhett seeing her trepidation were almost non-existent.

She took slow mincing steps as she carefully went down the back stairs, her hand pressed firmly against the inner wall since there was no hand rail installed for her to grip. She was out of breath and visibly shaken by the time she reached the ground floor. But she had made it, and no one had seen her in her moment of weakness.

She composed her features into what she felt was a collected mask, and slowly made her way to the dining room. One of the house maids was cleaning the dirty dishes from the table, and looked startled to see her. "Miss, I'se sorry. Do ya want me ta fetch you something to eat?"

"Yes, I'd like some ham and a biscuit." She responded regally.

"You really don't have to badger the help. They managed just fine without you while you were at Tara." Rhett softly drawling voice came from behind her.

She jumped and turned defensively, "I wasn't badgering them. I just want some breakfast. You could have saved a plate for me."

"How do you know that I didn't?" He replied evenly.

"Because you are too much of a skunk to do anything that considerate." She responded then turned sharply, causing her body to protest against her. She winced, hoping that he didn't notice her twinge of pain as she took her usual seat at the table.

"Perhaps you should see Dr. Meade if you are still in pain," he offered in a coolly distant tone.

"I'm fine. I just moved too quickly." She countered quickly.

"If you are convinced that you are fine, then I will not press the matter. I am going to take the children for a ride in the carriage. It's too stuffy here in this house." He told her in an offhanded, yet matter of fact manner.

"I was going to spend some time with Bonnie before I went to the store." She argued.

"Perhaps then you could go to the store and then come back and spend time with her," he suggested.

"I haven't seen her in a month's time, and she'd been gone for three months…" Her voice trailed off as she began thinking of just what had occurred after their return.

"Of course, far be it from me to stop you from actually spending time with your child. I must admit that I am surprised, I was sure that you would be just itching to get back to the store that you couldn't be bothered with Bonnie or Wade or Ella." He sniffed arrogantly.

"I'm tired of fighting with you!" She finally cried in exasperation. "We go 'round and 'round in these same circles. And I just can't do it anymore." She turned away from him and started towards her chair. "I just want to eat my breakfast in peace."

"I wouldn't want to disturb your breakfast. I just came back in get Bonnie's favorite doll. She wants it for the carriage ride." He said as he moved towards the stairs. "go ahead and eat your breakfast. It wouldn't hurt for you to put some weight on, apparently I won't be needing to divorce you for getting fat like those old Cuban women. If anything you look too thin."

She ignored him and began meticulously slicing the ham that maid had set before her. She cut a very small bite and chewed on it as she listened for Rhett's footfalls to sound past the door again. She tried to swallow the piece of meat in her mouth, but she gagged on it. She couldn't handle it. She leaned back against the chair, ready to flee from the table. But if she moved, she knew that Rhett would notice. She was weary.

Suddenly he was beside her, his damned Indian like stealth. "Is there something wrong with the food?"

She pushed the plate away from her and took a sip of water, "No. I guess that I'm not as hungry as I thought."

"I've thought about it, perhaps Bonnie would like it if you went on the carriage ride with us." He offered gently.

"I don't know. I haven't finished my breakfast…" She offered lamely.

"We both know that you aren't going to eat anything else. You used to be a better liar than this. That isn't the reason and you know it." He finished.

"Fine, I will go." She said pushing her chair back from the table. She hated that he was watching her as she rose from the table, as the movement sent spiraling waves of pain, shooting through her. She hissed, and tried to muffle it to hide it from Rhett, trying to pretend that nothing was amiss. He said nothing but when she faced, he was looking at her with old Cat at the mouse hole look. "I'm fine," she defended.

"If you are fine then why are you bothering to tell me, if you were as fine as you try to pretend then you wouldn't nearly be doubled over in pain from an act as simple as rising from the breakfast table, and you wouldn't be playing with your food, pretending that you are eating. You can fool everyone else, besides me but after that display last night, I'm not going to pretend that you are well." He said, his dark eyes masking all emotion, and his voice betraying none of it.

"I am going to ride with the children. Don't try and stop me." She retorted.

"I had no intention of doing any such thing. I was the one who invited you. But don't you think that you should take something for the pain." A light dawned in his eyes. "That's it, isn't it. That's how you managed your act yesterday. You have been taking laudanum for the pain so that you could pretend that everything else was fine. Let me caution you, Use it sparingly and don't try to overdo. It will make it so that the pain can't be managed by anything. And besides, I have heard of many cases of men injured in the war that became addicted to the pain killers that they used. For the sake of the children, I wouldn't want that to happen to you."

Her mouth opened, and a protest began to pour out, but he quickly stopped her. "There is no point in wasting your breath and trying to lie to me. I know the truth." He glanced over his shoulder and located what he was trying to find, "Prissy, go fetch a shawl for Scarlett."

"I'm not an invalid, its terribly hot outside. I don't need a wrap." She protested.

"We aren't taking any chances." He returned with a finality that she could not touch. And so she merely followed his lead and walked with him out to the carriage after he dosed her with a spoon full of Dr. Meade's poison of choice.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: School is almost out for the summer which means.... summer school! I have to take what I can get that is offered in the evenings or online, so my choices are limited. But at least one of them should be fun. Acting 2 is all next week! But hopefully I will have more time without papers being due or anything like that. I hope that you enjoy this chapter and that it helps explain some things. Thank for reading, and happy Mother's day to all of you moms! **

He grabbed a wrap from one of the servants, the ominous specter of her illness his constant companion. He hated himself for the way he was treating her. He was saying terrible things, but it was if it was someone else saying them as he overhead in abject horror. He didn't know what to do. He had never imagined a day when he would consider her frail, but she was. He was terrified to let her out of his sight, for fear that something would happen, and yet terrified to be around her. The worst moments in her life seemed to revolve around moments involving him. He was afraid that he would be the one to break her for good.

He couldn't shake the guilt from the accident. He had bated her on the stairs. He constantly questioned himself over the incident. They were on the stairs for God's sake. And the stairs were extraordinarily high. He had always known exactly what buttons to push. He prided himself on knowing her better than she knew herself. But he hadn't expected her to slap him. Somehow in that confession, in that terrible moment, he knew that she was growing to care about him and that she wanted this baby or she wouldn't have reacted the way that she had. And then no sooner than he had realized it, she was falling. It was his fighter's instincts that made him move as swiftly as he had to dodge her. He hadn't considered what would happen after. Perhaps he had been so stunned by the realization that she wanted this baby that he had been immobilized. He should have been able to save her, and yet he hadn't. It was if time had slowed down, and he watched in shocked, stunned, stillness as she fell.

He pushed the thoughts from his mind, knowing that those images would flash before him again, and it wouldn't even be very long. He needed to protect her and yet keep her at a distance. This pattern that they were in only seemed to intensify with the passage of time. He needed to find a way to stop it. He had tried to distance himself from her with softly drawled barbs, but it wasn't working. He didn't want to hurt her. Hadn't he already done enough of that? He was only trying to protect her.

And he had seen the pain in her face when he had tried to dissuade her from spending time with the children. He knew she didn't understand, but if she did, she would know too much. She would know just how much he cared, and he didn't want her to know. But he knew how Bonnie liked to play. She was used to wrestling with him and running and jumping and squealing, and Scarlett was not strong enough to deal with such an active child. She would be exhausted within a few minutes, and yet she wouldn't admit it. She never admitted that she had a weakness. And she would push herself far beyond her limits just as she had yesterday. She had pretended to be well, when she wasn't even remotely close to being well. But she was convincing enough that the children seemed fooled.

Wade and Ella he knew were still worried about the things that they had seen when she had fallen. He could still see their pinched faces as he ran past them crying hoarsely, cradling Scarlett's limp body in his arms. These images were not likely to be forgotten any time soon. Their mother, who they had once thought of as invincible, was nearly broken beyond repair.

And while he knew that her body was healing when she wasn't overdoing things, he would be a fool to think that the emotional pains had been wiped away as easily. She would never be the same. She might pretend that she was, as an actress she might be able to give the impression that she was still the light-hearted belle she once had been. That girl was gone forever.

He cringed as he held her arm to escort her to the waiting carriage, for every few steps he could feel her tense in pain and exhale a sharp breath. He wanted to shake her, take her back up to her bed, make her take the time that she needed to heal, but it wouldn't do any good. She was so stubborn that she would never listen to him or to anybody else.

When they reached the carriage, he tried to be as gentle as he could when he lifted her in, but in watching her face he knew that he hadn't succeeded. She was like a bird with a broken wing, and he wondered if ever again she would be able to fly.

Once she was situated with her back ramrod straight, Bonnie climbed up onto her lap. The faint wrinkling of her brow was the only indication of her pain, until she glanced his way. Good God! How on earth was he supposed to deal with seeing her in so much pain, and yet she was trying to be good with the children even though she was still far too injured to be up doing the things that she was.

Finally, knowing that it would spark her ire but knowing that it needed to be done, he called to Bonnie, "Angel, Daddy wants you to sit with him."

Bonnie turned her eyes upon him, her lip jutting out and her jaw tightening. It was the look she gave when she was prepared to do battle, whether it was over keeping a toy that she wanted to play with or for a candy that she was determined to have. And she never lost. "No, Daddy. I want Mother." She turned and patted Scarlett's face to emphasize her point.

"Bonnie, darling, I have candy for you." He cajoled, which only caused Bonnie to wrap her arms around her mother's neck tightly.

This time Scarlett could not suppress the cry of pain. Bonnie looked up into her mother's face startled by her cry. "Momma?"

Scarlett bit her lip and brushed at a tear that had slipped past her guard. "Yes, baby."

"Does it hurt?" She asked her blue eyes wide with concern; her battle with her father forgotten.

"Just a little. But I'm all right. Just sit here beside me like a big girl." She said as the wrinkles by her eyes furrowed. He knew she was furious with him, as well as with herself for revealing her pain to him.

Bonnie moved so that she sat beside Scarlett, and placed one of her hands on her mother's in a gesture that warmed his heart even as he worried about Scarlett's health.

He wished that the ride would be over. Whether she liked it or not, he was sending her back to bed, or at very least, she wasn't going to stay in her corset a moment longer. The thing had to be cutting her in two! And as much as he wanted to avoid a confrontation with her, she was going to kill herself at this rate.

When the carriage finally pulled back up to the house, the new Mammy was waiting for the children. He handed Bonnie down and then got out of the carriage himself and lifted Ella out before setting her on the ground. Wade was worried about his mother, and he kept casting concerned glances in her direction. But she was hurting enough by then that she was oblivious to her son's observation. He reluctantly jumped down and followed his sisters into the house.

Scarlett hadn't even realized that the children were gone, when he climbed back into the carriage to help her up. She shook her head, as if trying to find her way back to the surface. She was as a sleepwalker, waking and stunned to find themselves anywhere other than in their own bed.

"Let me help you." He told her softly.

He could see that she wanted to refuse, but her pain was great enough that she was almost afraid for him not to help. He lifted her up into his arms even as she began to protest. "I can walk, Rhett. Damn you, you are going to scare the children."

"You already have them scared, even though you are trying like hell to keep them from realizing that you are still injured. You are so transparent. Bonnie even understands and she is the baby. Didn't you see the looks Wade was giving you? They are all terrified of hurting you, except for Bonnie. But even she was scared when you cried out." He vented as he climbed out of the carriage and carried her towards the house.

"Just set me down. I'm fine. Just let me walk." She pleaded.

"Damn it, no! Do you think that you are fooling any of us with your act? You little idiot, stop trying to act like everything is fine, when you aren't fine." He barked through clenched teeth.

"I'm better than I was. I am getting better." She defended.

His voice softened slightly as he entered the house. "I know that. And I know that you want to just get right back into your life, but I don't think you understand how close we were to losing you. You nearly died." He added as he began carrying her up the stairs. "And no, before you start yelling for me to let you climb the stairs on your own, I'm not letting you climb them. You were nearly about to pass out just riding in the carriage. I won't let you overdo things on my watch anymore than you already have."

"I'm not overdoing things. I am just trying to get my life back in order." She responded.

"I know. I know you are. I have taken care of the store and the mills. I might not have quite the gift with arithmetic that you have, but I can keep the books in good order and visit the store until you are able. Don't you think that we need to get you healthy again before we worry about things like that?"

She sighed and stopped arguing with him. The look on her face told a story of defeat and pain and sadness. She was silent as he carried her back into her room.

"I know I'm not wanted in here, but I refuse to let you continue wearing that corset until you are healed fully." He set her down and began unbuttoning her dress.

She struggled against him, "Just send one of the maids up to help me. I'm sure that you have something else that you would rather be doing."

"Stop fighting me. I don't want you to wait any longer. You need to be in bed. If you want to spend time with the children, then I will bring them in here and supervise." He finished unbuttoning her first layer, and began peeling the clothes away.

"I don't need someone to supervise me with my own children. I'm not going to hurt them. I may not be a fit mother according to you, but I would never do anything to them." She cried.

"It's not them that I am worried about. Bonnie is a handful on her own, and Ella is sweet, but she is awfully giddy. Between the two of them there is no telling how much harm they could do to you. Wade would end up trying to get them to settle down, and he would eventually have to come find me. I might as well save us all the aggravation." He continued talking as he slowly and very cautiously undressed her. Finally she was nearly completely disrobed. He began unlacing her corset, but it worried him that even the lightest touch made her tense. "Is there something that you aren't telling me?"

She bit her lip nervously. "No, Rhett. Just get it over with."

"Do I so repulse you that you are cringing that I am even touching you?" He asked with annoyance. "I know that I'm not Ashley Wilkes, but you've never been like this before."

She shook her head mutely, but then nearly cried out when he placed his hand on her waist to pull the garment off. He looked her in the face, and he knew that there was something that she was hiding. Finally to her embarrassment, he lifted the hem of her chemise. He was horrified to find the dark bruising that surrounded her midsection. "Damn it, you little fool. Women have broken their ribs pulling their corset as tightly as you think you must have it. And yet here you are with several broken ribs and you thought it was a good idea to wear this? You got out of bed, when you are still so injured. What were you thinking? Are you trying to kill yourself?"

She shook her head again. Tears were pooling in her eyes. What the hell was he supposed to do? She looked terrible. And worse yet that surge of emotion was bubbling in his chest. He wanted nothing more than to protect her, but how was he supposed to protect her from herself.

He hadn't seen her like this before. She wasn't crying because she wanted her mother as she had the night Atlanta fell. She wasn't crying tears to trick him into doing her bidding. She wasn't even crying tears of frustration. It seemed that her heart was broken, and that tears were the only natural recourse. It was even different from the night before, as she had cried for their lost child.

"I'm sorry. I just wanted to feel alive." But she was beginning to sob uncontrollably, so intensely that he finally pulled her into his arms and held her against his chest.

"Come now. You need to lie down. I'll get you something for the pain, and you will stay in here until I deem that you are well. Even if that means that I have to move back in this room to keep you from doing anything stupid."

She didn't protest as he carried her to the bed. She cried in pain as he lowered her down and then he covered her with one sheet. He fumbled around on the night stand until he had prepared a spoonful of the concoction that Dr. Meade had left for such occasions.

She was still sobbing, only pausing long enough to take the medicine. But as soon as Rhett set the spoon down, she cried out, "please don't go yet. Please."

He paused and looked into her tear filled emerald eyes and nodded. She was pulling him in again. He was powerless to fight against the spell she had cast over him.


	5. Chapter 5

_**Author's Note: Here look (a certain someone who shall remain nameless) yes I didn't post as soon as I hoped, but it is again before you, you slacker! Love you! It has been oddly quiet here. And school is over for a month for me, so here is a little something to end the silence. I plan on working on something else, but I make no promises. Hope everyone enjoys thier summer!**_

There was nothing particularly ominous about being at Tara. For Scarlett, it has always been a haven and a place of rejuvenation. But that feeling of peace seemed strangely absent at the moment. She was sitting on the steps on a thick pillow, waiting for someone as a gentle cool breeze ruffled the thick darkness as her hair. In this way she had courted many beaus, and spent many spring and summer hours with them. Suspended in her memory was a day much like this one, in that tranquility forever suspended in her mind of those last few days of April 1861, just before the war began sitting with the twins, like she now was. The air that evening had even felt the same. It was thick with the scent of honeysuckles, so thick that it was almost cloying, and mingled with the heady fragrance of lilacs. She could hear the soft sounds of the animals down by the barn, a faint neighing of a horse, the whisper of grunts from a sow mired in the mud. And yet the absence of the chatter of the negros that no longer occupied the slave quarters couldn't be ignored. This was not the past. And she knew that there was something not quite right about this moment. Something was absent that she could not quite place. She closed her eyes for a moment to take in the sounds and scents flooding her senses, and immediately made out the protesting squeaks of the floorboards as Mammy lumbered towards her.

"Miss Scarlett. Mr. Rhett done returned with the baby." The older women spoke, even as she opened the door.

"Thank you, Mammy." Scarlett replied, so thankful to see the baby… and to see Rhett.

Rhett smiled softly as he stepped up onto the porch, a small bundle gently cradled in his arms. Her heart began beating faster. Even having been told that Rhett was bringing their child to her, she couldn't hide the shocked surges of joy as the emotions spread through her limbs and as her heart raced in anticipation of her reunification with her baby. Rhett knelt beside her and placed the child in her arms. How easy it was to forget just how small babies were at first. The child was feather light in her arms. But size did not prevent him from making his presence known. His cry was so distinct as he fussed in her arms. A small fist pushed through the blankets, causing the blankets to fall away revealing her infant son. The rising tide of emotion threatened to choke her with its intensity. His pale eyes stared up at her, unfocused as infant's eyes are for the first month of life. The slight weight of him in her arms was such a relief and a joy. She could hardly wait for the day when he would be old enough to throw his small arms around her neck. She sat for a long time entranced by the image of her son, but the soft scents and sounds that went hand in hand with small babies. But as much as she relished holding him, she was so tired. She finally relinquished the baby to Rhett after placing a soft kiss on his cheek. It was as smooth as silk beneath her lips. And then Rhett was walking away and she felt so utterly lost and bereft that she couldn't even begin to explain it.

She was startled to find Rhett beside her bed, rousing her from her dreams, her body screaming in agony with the movement as she struggled futilely. His large, calloused hands were resting against her skin, gently but firmly holding her still. "Don't try to get up. I'll get you something more for the pain. It's been several hours since your last dose, and its obviously wearing off."

But as the memory of the dream returned, she began to sob quietly, tears falling and slipping so that they fell into the soft mass of dark hair nestled on the pillow. It was torture to think about how it would have been to hold the child that she and Rhett had made that one dark sinuous night. She brushed at the tracks that the tears had left in their wake.

There was the soft hissing sound of the match striking the rough side of the lamp, and then the warm glow of the match as Rhett lit her bedside lamp. His eyes were watching her, with the same look that he had once employed. That look had long been missing from their marriage, and yet now it seemed that it had returned. And yet still she did not understand that questioning look in his eyes. He was as always a mystery to her.

He measured out the medicine carefully and then moved the spoon towards her mouth. She opened it and allowed the liquid to spill down her throat, shuddering at the bitter taste that it left behind. She closed her eyes to try to block the taste and the feelings from her mind, so she was surprised when she felt Rhett's hand gently raising her up. "Would you like a drink?" She had to be mistaken, it couldn't be concern in his voice.

She worked with him and nodded, "thank you."

"I'm sorry, but I need you to get stand up so that I can wrap you. I asked Dr. Meade and he said that it needed to be done. He would have come and done it himself, but I wanted to spare you any more embarrassment." At her nod, he lifted her from the bed on to her feet. She moaned softly. The pain swelling with increasing waves of intensity. "Try not to move. It will only hurt you more."

She began protesting as he pulled her nightgown over her head. She immediately pulled her arms over her chest as her gaze fell to his feet. He knelt in front of her, gently examining her injuries without inflicting more.

"I'm sorry to do this to you, but we need to immobilize your ribs without exacerbating the injury as your corset obviously was. I've had to have this done before when I got in a fight with someone much more adept at dodging and placing blows than I, at least he was a better fighter at that point in time. I'm sure that I am the superior one now." He chuckled, trying to lighten the gravity of the situation.

She felt her head growing hot as bright lights pricked at her eyes. Her vision began to form a tunnel and she clutched on to him in support. He carefully pulled her body against his, her head resting against his chest. "You're all right." He crooned, allowing her to rest against him for a moment for a moment drawing from his strength while hers was waning before he began the task of carefully wrapping the linen around her body, which would hide the severity of her injuries. It was his strength alone that was holding her up right. But Scarlett would never be supported by someone else for long, she slowly gathered herself, steeling herself against the pain, as she stood, waiting for Rhett to begin.

She could hear the harsh intake of breath as gazed at the dark bruises around her midsection. "Good God, Scarlett! Did you have no idea how seriously you were injuring yourself." His touch was feather light as he brushed against the bruised flesh. "I think that you broke your ribs again, by wearing your corset too tight without leaving enough time since you were injured. Surely your mother warned you what happens when you wear these damned things, or if not your mother then mammy. But you wouldn't have heeded their warnings. You are so bull-headed and stubborn. You think that nothing can defeat you. And I can't lose sight of the fact that you'll do anything for the sake of vanity."

* * *

But his breath caught in his throat as he looked into her eyes. There was no accusation held within the emerald depths, but her pain accused him more than anything she could have intentionally done or said. They were hazy and clouded and filled with so much pain that he allowed his mask to fall for a moment. Chances are she was in enough pain that she would never remember this moment. And we wished more than anything that he could shoulder some of this pain for her, to take it upon himself. He deserved this pain and more for what he had done.

She winced and moaned softly as he began wrapping the cloth bandage around her. More than once he had to stop and hold her because it was obvious that the pain was so excruciating that she was constantly on the verge of fainting from it. As he was finishing, she began gagging, he assumed the nausea from the pain was the cause. He held her as she expelled the bile from her stomach, but the exertion was too much for her. And he caught her as she went limp in his arms.

He cradled her gently to his chest, thankful in a way for this moment of oblivion for her. At least for now she was oblivious to the pain. This moment would give him time to get her back into bed without hurting her more. As he lay her back on the bed she began to rouse with soft protests and faint moans as he helped her settle back down into the covers. Her eyes were so filled with pain that he was transfixed, willing that he would take some of the pain from her. And it seemed that she couldn't help but watch his eyes. She was so close to him, so close that he could feel the warmth of her body through her thin shift. He wanted nothing more than to undo all of the many wrongs that he had done to her.

"What were you dreaming about?" He asked cautiously. She had been crying out in her sleep when he had returned to the room, and once awakened, she had sobbed, helpless pitiful tears that tore at his heart.

"I was at Tara and you were holding the baby. And I got to see him, and he had pale blue eyes, and I loved him…." She sighed softly, and her words and began to slur as the drugs began to usher her back to the land of sleep.

He reached down and gently brushed a curl away from her face. Her skin was was pale now after her illness that it was almost translucent.

"Rhett?" She asked timidly, her voice growing more slurred with every word she spoke.

"Yes, Scarlett." He answered softly, watching as the drugs and exhaustion battled against her.

"Don't take the baby. I want the baby here with me." Her eyes drifted closed as he stared at her in abject horror. Her nightmares were now always about the death of their child. And he could offer he no comfort for he was the cause of her pain and anguish, both mental and physical. And he watched as her body grew limp and still and her breathing fell back into an even rhythm. And he bore the weight of his sins upon his back. He would wear the chains of this guilt even in his afterlife.


	6. Chapter 6

_Author's Note: Here is the next installment. I hope that you all enjoy it. Just for clarification, in case I wasn't clear enough in the last chapter, Scarlett broke her nearly healed ribs by wearing her corset too tight before she was fully healed. Scarlett would be vain like that I am sure. Some of you may think that parts of this are ooc. But it is my opinion that grief pain and guilt can all have a very strong effect over anyone. I think that given the right circumstances, that we all might be different than we think that we are... Thanks for reading and reviewing. I hope to update one of my other stories soon. Thanks again!_

She slept a heavy, dreamless sleep, but woke uneasily peering into the darkness. She was groggy and the world was hazy, but even in her state of semi-alertness she could already feel the medication wearing away as the pain began to intensify. It was no wonder that she had awakened. But she was surprised to find Rhett sleeping slumped over in a chair beside her bed, one hand still holding hers. She didn't want to move, but there were matters that made movement a necessity. The pain wasn't the only reason that she had wakened. She lay there in the darkened silence for a moment, trying to determine the best way to get up and extricate her hand from his. She slowly tried to ease out of the bed, without alerting him that she was awake. There was still a tension between them. It was ever present, clinging to them in every moment. It was so apparent that she could not pretend not to notice.

But of course, the moment that she pulled her hand from his, he was awake in an instant, for she could not suppress a moan just from the slight movement as she edged closer to the end of the bed. It was even worse as she tried to stand to her feet. But she knew that his life from before had trained him and prepared him to be able to be immediately in action. It seemed that he was alert instantly, and at the same moment on his feet holding her. "What are you doing?" He asked with sincere emotions that Scarlett was unable to quite place her finger on. There was certainly concern etched in the lines of his face, but she refused to venture a guess at what the other emotions were.

"I need to relieve myself. " She replied with a tone much breathier than she had hoped. She was still exhausted, which galled her. She hated being so weak. She only liked to be taken care of when she wanted to be. It was frustrating to need help to stand to go to the chamber pot and take care of bodily necessities. But he was right about one thing, the wrap around her middle did seem to make the pain less. And as soon as she was done with her duties, she knew that she would need another dose of whatever it was that Dr. Meade had left orders for her to take. She didn't understand why he hadn't come, but then she recalled a hazy memory of the doctor being there while she had slept. There was something about someone else being injured, but she hadn't really been awake at the time.

"Then let me help you." He said, and it was obvious that he would take no answer other than her acceptance. He had his arms around her as she stood erect to avoid the pain that came whenever she bent to moved in a way that her injuries were not in agreement with. He helped her as he led her into the bathroom, which she was thankful that he had insisted on. It was one of the few rooms in the house that he had had any way in. But he had been insistent that a built in bathroom such as this was the wave of the future. He held her even as she relieved herself. When she was done, he helped her take care of matters and wash her hands and then helped her back to the bed.

"Why are you being so kind to me? You don't have to do this." She asked skeptical of his treatment of her because it was such a rarity. She was too tired to be completely on guard, and he could always sense any weakness. She felt like a cornered fox.

He seemed surprised by the question, and he seemed to ponder it for a moment. Finally he replied that "You are my wife, and I feel like you wouldn't have been injured if it weren't for me." She stared at him in surprise. He was never this open and accepting of his faults. She always had assumed that he only saw hers . This wasn't the Rhett Butler that she knew, but perhaps grief and guilt could change someone, at least for a while. "You almost died. What kind of heartless villain would I be if I didn't try to take care of you. I owe you at least this much."

"So, you'll be kind to me and help me until I am well. I appreciate that, but what comes after that. We live in harmony until I am back to normal, and then what?" She asked frustrated by him. She was tired of so many things, and possibly the constant tension in their relationship most of all. He was an exasperating man. She couldn't figure him out, and it seemed futile to even try. And now even the things that she thought that she understood about him, she obviously didn't.

"I don't know", he said, reaching over to smooth the covers over her thin frame, his hand brushing against hers.

She pulled her hand away from his. "I can't do this anymore." She replied, leaning into the pillow. "I'm so tired of it all. Maybe this is all my fault. Maybe I should have just said no when you asked me to marry you. Maybe I should have waited like everyone told me to. Maybe life would be easier if we had never met."

There was something like pain flickering in his eyes, but the physical pain was rising as her breathing grew more rapid. "I don't know what is going on, and I don't know what it is that I feel any longer. But you won't listen, you never listen to me."

"I'm listening now." His voice was softer and more gentle than she had expected. "We've both made our share of mistakes, but maybe this can we a new beginning for us." He watched her for a moment, waiting for a reaction it seemed. She didn't know what to think, and her lack of a reaction seemed to spur him on, "Or perhaps you would rather that we just cut our losses and separate." He was watching her, just as she watched him.

"No, I don't want a divorce…" She stammered out.

"I don't mean a divorce, that would harm the children and as much as I worked to repair my reputation for Bonnie's sake, I'll be damned if you think I'm going to do something that might negatively impact that. I can visit occasionally, taking Bonnie on short trips, because she did miss you a great deal when we were gone. For all the world we can pretend that we are a very happily married couple, but you won't have to sully your hands with dealing with me any longer." She still remained stoically silent, "I'll keep watch over you until you are well, but after that I don't want to endanger you any longer with my presence. I'm afraid that if we continue along this path that we are on that one of us is going to die. And I am certain that it will be you, and I can't live with that guilt."

She shook her head, trying to make sense of his words. She struggled to rise to convey her desperation, and confusion and fear. "I don't understand. I don't want you to leave with Bonnie, ever. I don't want you to leave. I don't know what I feel, but I think something is changing. Perhaps something already did change." While at Tara she had had too much time to think and dwell on what had happened. And what she understood the least, aside from Rhett, being the mystery that he was, she couldn't understand why she had felt nothing when Ashley had held her. It really was like her was her brother. So she began pleading with Rhett, begging for him to see reason. "Nothing happened. Don't you understand, nothing at all happened between Ashley and I. He made me think back to life before the war. He made me cry, and he was only comforting. I didn't feel anything when he held me. Please just give me a chance." She moaned. The pain from rebreaking her ribs by wearing her corset too tight much too soon after her injury was pulling her under into the abyss. "Please…. Please don't…"

He was watching her without moving, and yet it seemed that the whole world was spinning, and yet her vision was growing dark and cloudy around the edges. And she felt as he lifted her and forced some more of the bitter concoction into her mouth just as she was about to begin protesting again. This made her choke on the substance and she began coughing, trying desperately to find her breath.

There was a terrifying moment when she wondered when she would ever catch her breath, and the pain from her ribs was reverberating through her body. But then he was there, holding her and gently patting her, as he would pat Bonnie. She slumped in his arms, closing her eyes and listening to his breathing, which had quickened too.

She finally caught her breath and slowly raised up and looked into his face. There were tears in his eyes. She was startled by those tears, because so much of the time he was so cool and indifferent. But he did care, and in that she could see hope for their future, where earlier she could see nothing. Even through the pain, this knowledge made her heart surge. She raised one shaking hand and brushed at the moisture on his face. "Do you love me?"

His face returned to his normal aloof demeanor, but this time she was not fooled. He had hidden it well from her. But it also made her wonder if he hadn't loved her all along. How this changed things. "God, help that man that ever really loves you." He replied glibly.

"You've told me that before, but you do. Are you really asking for God's help because you do love me? Is that why you have provoked me and pushed me away… so I couldn't see how you really feel? Don't you get it, that's what the problem is. I was so stupid to think that I loved Ashley, but I don't know that I do. I don't know that it was ever love." She paused, annoyed with the sneering expression on his face. "Oh, don't look at me like that. I may not be the most observant person of all time…"

"That, my dear, would be the understatement of the century." He responded.

"I think that perhaps I am beginning to understand things." She sat for a moment tugging at the gold band on her finger. "You know this would have all been easier if you had ever admitted that you loved me years ago, such as when you proposed or," Her nose lifted in the air in disgust, "…the time that you asked me to be your mistress."

"I still haven't admitted to anything." He replied coolly.

"Well you don't have too. I don't know why I was so blind." She paused in her nervous actions to look up at him. "I think you've loved me for a very long time. And if you loved me when we married… I'm sorry that I hurt you when I asked you for separate bedrooms." She watched his eyes and responded to his questioning gaze. "Oh, it isn't as if I've never thought about things before. And besides I have had a lot of time to sit and think of things. I haven't been able to do much of anything since the fall, and before you came home, I started thinking about things like that about what if you did love me, because you did say it that night. And I was so ill with this pregnancy that I was very nearly house bound. And I didn't understand why I was excited about the pregnancy. It didn't make sense. I felt worse than I ever had, and yet I couldn't wait to tell you." She stopped talking as he took her hand, and a tear drop fell and splashed upon her hand.

"I'm sorry. I forced myself on you, and I…"

Scarlett quickly interrupted. "Don't apologize for that. You can be sorry for a hundred other things, and if you would like a list, I'm sure I could write one for you. But you didn't force yourself on me, not that night, not ever. I wanted you. I just didn't realize just how much. And it didn't feel like force when I was singing in bed the next morning. I don't think that a woman who was violated would respond like that."

He shook his head, "I forced myself on you and then took our child away from you. And then to add injury to insult, I taunted you and nearly killed you, and did kill our child."

She was silent. As much as she wanted to cry out and tell him that it wasn't his fault, her heart forced her mouth to stay silent and they sat in silence staring at each other, waiting for someone to break the eerie calm between them.


	7. Chapter 7

And yet that peace did not break. There was a fragile tension between them much like a kite string which tethers the kite to the earth yet also enables it to fly. They did not speak of the things that had been spoken. Both were too proud, and those whispered confessions brought about an atmosphere so thick with pain and fear did not change who they were.

Rhett did not shirk his duties. He stood guard and adamantly refused to allow Scarlett to do anything that might inhibit the slow progress that she was making. Her ribs were slowly healing and color was returning to her face. Rhett brought the children in at least once a day for strained polite visits that lasted so briefly that Scarlett could see no point to this gesture, but Rhett assured her that the visits were for the children's peace of mind instead of for her benefit.

At the end of the first week of being home, Melanie could not be deterred any longer. It was surprising that such a mousy soft spoken person could in their own way be so strong. And as much as it annoyed her, she had come to miss Melly, although she refused to tell anyone that thought. How someone that she thought that she hated had become such an important person in her life she wasn't sure of, but the fact remained that she and Melly depended on each other for a measure of something that they in themselves did not possess.

As Melanie sat beside Scarlett's bed, since Rhett was still adamant that Scarlett stay in bed since she had worsened her condition by trying to do too much too quickly, she regaled her with bits of gossip even as she busied her hands with embroidery work. Scarlett was able to tell Melanie of some of the changes around Tara that she hadn't been able to since her return. Melanie hadn't visited the county since after she and Ashley had moved to Tara. There was no use since Twelve Oaks had been sold at auction, and Ashley had no desire to see the burned out shell of his former home. Then a silence fell between them, and Melanie's soft voice broke though it. "You are so lucky to have a husband that loves you so much."

Scarlett's head jerked in her companion's direction. "What do you mean?"

Melanie took it, not as a sign that Scarlett was unsure of the depth of Rhett's love and devotion, but that Scarlett didn't realize that not all marriages were based on love. "Oh some people, do not have the blessings that we have, Scarlett. There are some women that have married for reasons other than love. Some men do not love their wives. Oh, I know that it is a rather sad thought, but I have never seen a man more in love than Captain Butler is with you. I thought that he was going to drown in grief after the accident. It must be refreshing to know that a man loves you that much."

Scarlett could do nothing other than stare, for the words were so unexpected, even with the night time discussions. And for a moment her cloudy brain cleared, and she wondered if knowing that Rhett loved her would change things, if the fact that others had been aware while she had not been would make her feel differently.

"Oh, Rhett surely isn't that devoted to me" She scoffed.

"Oh, Scarlett." Melanie laughter rang like the peals of a bell. "Why any man that devotes himself to the child that is the exact image of the mother has to be completely besotted with his wife. Surely you have noticed." She smiled tenderly and patted Scarlett's hand. "And the way that his eyes follow you when you are in the same room. That man is so in love with you that it is simply silly."

But then the look on her face told Scarlett that she had not disguised her surprise well enough. "Oh darling! He does. I know you must know that he loves you, but do you not realize just how much? He loves you to distraction; he has for years. He loved you during the war. I thought that you knew. I was so surprised when you married Mr. Kennedy, knowing how much Captain Butler loved you. And you love him too. Sometimes I think that you don't know just how much you love him, but I can see it in your eyes. "

Scarlett averted her eyes, and began self consciously smoothing the coverlet. "I am more tired, than I suppose I realized. I think I need a little rest. But thank you for visiting." The meaning was clear, and Melanie was not one to argue with Scarlett. So she gathered her things in haste promising a visit in a few days when Scarlett was feeling more up to visitors.

But before she left she stopped. "Scarlett, I know that you are very tired, but please tell me what caused you to turn ill so quickly. You seemed to be doing much better when you arrived?"

"I suppose that I had Prissy lace my corset too tightly." Scarlett replied evenly.

"Oh, but darling, you hadn't been wearing anything but a maternity corset once you found out about the baby, and then of course you weren't wearing a corset while you were ill. Your body had become used to the lack of constraint. Didn't your mother warn you to go back gradually? When I was a girl we had to gradually change to a smaller and smaller corset until we were the correct size…" Melanie startled. "Oh dear, what am I saying, you know all of this. But if you forgot to tell Prissy and she tried to lace you into one of your old dresses… No wonder you are unwell."

Tears glimmered in Scarlett's eyes. Of course how stupid she had been. It had been this way after Bonnie, she had ordered gradually smaller corsets until she regained her hard earned figure. And yet she had been fool enough to not tell Prissy to not lace it as it had been before. This illness this turn was completely her fault. It wasn't as though she could expect Prissy to be smart enough to consider things like that.

"Oh darling, I shouldn't have mentioned the baby. I know how you miss it." Melanie whispered softly in horror and shame. "I'm such a terrible friend to have brought it up."

"No," Scarlett replied. "I am upset with myself. Don't be concerned about it."

"Oh, you are so good to me – and so sweet. But you certainly do look tired. Next time I will take more care not to wear you out like I have." Melanie smiled as she opened the door. "Please get some rest. You deserve it. If anyone ever deserved to rest, it's you."

The door shut quietly behind her, and Scarlett sat in the darkness pondering the things that Melly had told her. Of course Melanie could have been wrong, she had been foolish enough to think that Scarlett had loved Charles and grieved for him, and yet there was something nagging her that made that conclusion almost seem possible. There had been times over the years when she had wondered if she was beginning to love Rhett and conversely if he loved her. She had always dismissed such things as nonsense, and besides she loved Ashley.

And yet the one thing that been unwavering in the last ten years was something that she was no longer certain of. She never had imaged that she would find herself to be in a place where Ashley did not hold captive her heart, but something hadn't been right at the mill. She hadn't felt as she once had. For being the first time to get caught in his arms, it had certainly been the most innocent. There had been times when she was widowed that she had tried to convince him to leave Melanie, when she had taken liberties. But it seemed that the feelings that she had once been so sure of were waning. She examined her hand, watching as the dim lights in the room sent the light shimmering and glinting against the stones in her engagement ring. Perhaps there was something that she hadn't seen. Perhaps there was more to Rhett's actions than what he was willing to admit to. And the more that she thought about the situation, the more certain that she became. Rhett loved her. Although it made no sense the way that he treated her. If only he would have told her, if only he had allowed her to fall in love with him years before life could have been very different.

She pondered the moments from during the war that they had spent together. And she recalled many times when it seemed that there was more to what he was saying. She wondered with embarrassment at that day during the siege when he had asked her to become his mistress. Had there been more on his mind, had he considered asking her for her hand and had chickened out at the last moment. No, Rhett was not a chicken, but what other reason could he have? Rhett was so forthright and blunt about things. It didn't seem right for him to be hiding something from her.

But in another way it made sense. The way that he hid his emotions, she had always known that there was something that he was hiding from her, but she hadn't really cared what that was. But now it seemed right. It would have been very difficult to share a bed with someone that you loved, but could not tell that to. In fact it made perfect sense. Did it also explain why Rhett left on so many short trips? Was he leaving so that he could drop his mask for a bit?

She rubbed her head. She wasn't used to analyzing things like emotions, and it made her head hurt. She leaned back against the pillows- both dreading and anticipating Rhett's return. Now that she was certain, because even after their previous confrontation she hadn't been completely certain. But now she was, and she hoped that she would finally be able to see it in his eyes. How would it be to love the man that she was married to and have him love her in return? She closed her eyes and smiled as she imagined how love could change the way things were.


	8. Chapter 8

_**Author's Note: Thanks for sticking with me. Here is an update. I hope that you enjoy. It was a snow day here, of course I had to work, but it was still really quiet, so I had time to write a new chapter. I reorganized my idea file and was startled to realize that I have 20 idea stories (some already to the five page mark) as well as several that I need to finish before I allow myself to start anything new. I dedicate this chapter to Janet, Corn, and Bella. Hope that if any of you are snowed in that you enjoy a little something new to read. **_

She woke that evening, to the sound of the door rattling and the soft thump as it then shut. She turned her head just enough to see Rhett with his hands full as he was attempting to carry in her tray. She could tell that he was trying to be quiet, but as graceful and light on his feet he was, he was not accustomed to carrying trays.

He seemed surprised to find that she was awake when he neared the bed. The glass on the tray clinked as he set it down on the bedside table. "How are you feeling?" He asked, lifting a glass from the tray that held very little, certainly nothing more than the glass of water and a plate of crackers. He pulled a small packet from his pocket, eliciting a groan from his wife.

"Do I have to take that? I hate how it makes my mind all fuzzy." She complained taking the glass from his hand as she sat up.

He smiled indulgently like a father towards a recalcitrant child. "If you take this, then you may come downstairs to dinner, instead of spending another meal pent up in this bed." She grinned up at him eager for any chance to leave the room. "But first I need to make sure that you are physically up to being carried." She sat up straighter and waited for him to take her in his arms. Her ribs still ached mildly, but it wasn't anything beyond what she was used to. Years of wearing a corset had made her immune to mild aching in her midsection.

He was very gentle as his arms moved under her. And she was relieved that it did not hurt like she had feared that it would. "It doesn't hurt, Rhett. I don't even think I need to take the medicine," she chirped happily.

"Perhaps then you can wait until after dinner to take it." For which he was rewarded with a small peck on his cheek. "You certainly act like you are feeling much better."

"Oh, Rhett I really am. And I'm so tired of being stuck in this bed."

He grinned as he set her down carefully. "You need to get dressed. Do you want me to ring for Prissy?"

"Oh, Rhett can't you just help me. It's not as if I need laced into a corset. I just need for you to help me getting into one of my older dresses from when I was pregnant with Bonnie. They will be plenty roomy even without a corset." She wondered for a moment if he would be agreeable, but he didn't seem opposed to the idea.

"Would you like for me to choose it, or it there a particular one that you were hoping to find in this jumbled mess of old dresses that you call a closet?" He said peering into the small room attached to the master suite. "Have you thrown out a single article of clothing since we married?"

She shook her head, a thousand thoughts of days when there was never enough clothing, when an out of date dress would have seemed like a Godsend. And she couldn't part with them. "I can't Rhett. I just can't do it. I've tried, but then I remember how it was right after the war."

He didn't seem to be bothered by this admission. "It doesn't bother me if you don't want to part with them. " He reached inside and pulled out a garment that he could vividly picture her having worn shortly before Bonnie was born. The soft green fabric showed few signs of wear. It was a smartly constructed empire waist gown with hand tatted lace around the collar, and small gold buttons on the neckline and sleeves.

"That's fine Rhett. " She offered, eyeing the dress. She waited patiently as he lowered the dress over her head. The dress however was far too loose on her. She knew that that was something that would attract his attention. "It's fine. It's better than a nightgown, which is all I've been wearing. And I cannot wait for the children to see me sitting at the table."

"Don't worry. I haven't told the children. I wasn't sure that you would feel well enough. But I know that they will be glad to see you." He lifted her up into his arms and headed down the stairs.

"No, they all love you best." She protested.

"You are talking about a two year old for one point. Do you know how two year olds can be?" But before she could argue further, he added, "Your children love you. They are just in awe of you. They idolize you. You were just too preoccupied in the past to see it."

She already situated at her spot at the table, sitting regally like a queen, when Mammy brought the children in. Wade and Ella were shy as they noticed their mother, but she could not mistake the emotions that exploded across their faces. They were certainly happy to see her. And then Bonnie wiggled her way out of Mammy's arms to launch herself at her mother. "Mother. Mother. Mother." She trilled as she hurtled across the room.

Rhett was prepared for her and grabbed her quickly, tossing her into his arms, making her giggle and squeal at the motion. She held out her arms and pulled them around his neck. She placed a smacking kiss on his lips. "Daddy! I love you!" But having gained the attention she desired from her father, she turned away from him and lunged once again for her mother. Rhett was familiar enough with Bonnie's willfulness that he was able to prevent her escape.

He carefully lowered her so that she could kiss her mother, and Scarlett welcomed the affection from her favorite child. Bonnie giggled happily as Rhett rolled her up in her arms and tossed her into the air. She protested as he placed her into her high chair, but was almost instantly distracted when he pushed her up to the table, where a plate had already been placed.

Rhett pulled the plate away from her before her little hands could squish the food between her fingers. "Ah, no my greedy little girl. You are so much like your mother." He added with a chuckle.

Scarlett was not amused by his comment, but even his rude remarks could not ruin this moment. Wade and Ella had already seated themselves at the table and were patiently waiting for dinner to be served as Bonnie's palms slapped noisily against the table. "I'm hungry, mother!" She cried.

"Rhett can you scoot her chair so I can help her. I've missed her. I've missed this." Rhett moved the chair nearer to Scarlett, and Bonnie chattered happily as Scarlett pulled the plate up to the demanding child. Bonnie immediately grabbed her fork and began scooping the contents of the plate into her mouth.

Scarlett laughed. "You are such a darling thing. You are mighty pretty precious." Rhett cleared his throat causing her to look up. She was surprised at the look on Wade and Ella's face. They were hungry for affection, and not just anyone's affection. They wanted her love. She was shocked to find that needed her. "And so are you Ella. Wade you are growing so handsome." It was enough to cause both children to beam at her.

Dinner was a peaceful affair. Bonnie made quite a mess, but there was enough joy in the moment that it didn't matter. After all even though at times Bonnie seemed older than her years, she was still only a toddler. And toddlers were known for the havoc that they could and would wreak and the messes that they could make.

Mammy came in and took the children away to get cleaned up, leaving Rhett and Scarlett alone at the table. "How is it that she can make such a mess and yet you still appear perfectly groomed while I have food mashed into the front of my dress?"

Rhett rose from his seat smiling as he reached forward and pulled a soggy noodle from her hair. "I think she must love you more. She just wants to share her food with you."

"I love her too, but that doesn't mean that I want to wear what she is having for dinner." She smiled despite her displeasure. "I think I need to get cleaned up before bed. It's been too long since I was able to wash my hair, and now it's filled with sticky goo."

She rose cautiously from the table. "I think that I can manage the steps by myself."

He didn't look as if he approved of her decision, but instead of arguing with her,he offered her his hand. "Why don't we go upstairs together, and then if you need me I'll be right there."

She smiled. He could be so nice at times. She missed this side of him. She wished he could always be kind like he was being right now. It was in moments like this that she remembered what it felt like to be taken care of and worried over. And that was something she couldn't even fathom - just how much she missed it. Not even Mammy could make the feeling leave; she was the only one who would take care of her. And yet with Rhett there were times when she lost that loneliness. If only he could always be like this.

Less than half of the way up the stairs she was growing tired. She hated being weak, but she knew that it would be better to admit it now rather than later when she had pushed herself far, far more than she should have. They were over half of the way up when she conceded. Squeezing his arm, she looked up at him, "I think it was more than I was ready for" she admitted.

She needed to say nothing more as he swung her up into his arms. "Then I shall carry you, milady." He smiled as he reached behind her knees. Swinging her up easily he chided her, "You need to eat more. You've lost too much weight. If you don't watch out, even Melanie might have a better figure than you."

He set her down beside her bed before she could struggle against him. "How dare you! What a thing to say! I can't believe that you just said that."

He tried to interrupt her, but she brushed him away. "I've been thinner. It didn't seem to bother you then."

"Scarlett, I'm not trying to tease you. After the accident, and after aggravating your injuries, you haven't been eating. Don't try to pretend. Even if I'm not here when you have a meal, I make sure to get a full report of how you ate."

"I'm tired of all of this. We had such a wonderful dinner and now you are trying to ruin it. I am doing the best that I can. My stomach is upset. There has been too much going on. Dr. Meade warned me that I need to take things easy, or I could make things worse." She sat down on the chair a little ways from the bed.

"I'm sorry. Would you like for me to have Prissy draw you a bath?" He asked.

She pushed herself up from the chair, "Would you stop! Stop treating me like I am going to break." She glared at him. "All right, so I did break a few ribs. But I'm not made of glass. I thought that things would be different now that I know that you love me and I love you…" She shut her mouth suddenly, but then shrugged. "I'm done not talking about it. I want you to be my friend and act normal around me."

"Don't hurt yourself trying to get my attention. I'm trying to be considerate of you in your convalescence."

She sat back on the chair, tears of frustration began streaming down her face. All of the emotions that she had been trying to avoid and suppress were attacking her from all sides. Surely Rhett wasn't oblivious to what she was going through. She did not expect for him to do anything, but her tears did what nothing else had. He knelled on the ground in front of her and wiped the tears away. She leaned forward and kissed him softly on the lips. She tentatively reached forward and brushed her hand against his hair. And she pressed the kiss, demanding that he pour out his heart as well. But Rhett Butler never did do what people expected of him…


End file.
